And hiding Psychos

I've always been very guarded. One of my overwhelming fears is being in a relationship.  Weird, right? I've always known that my career was important to me and being an individual even more so.  I have seen people time and time again morph into something they aren't simply because they were involved with someone else.  It terrifies me.  So I have been independent to a fault. I have very rarely even entertained the idea of letting someone into my life in the "boyfriend" manner.  Recently my teenage cousin committed suicide and I was completely lost.  I met a guy and he didn't know me or give me that look that everyone who knew and loved me gave me.  I couldn't handle that look.  It instantly broke me and I needed to be strong for my family.  He had/has a wonderful sense of humor and we connected instantly.  He held my hand and allowed me to be me, not just the girl that had been devastated by a recent tragedy.  And all of my guards went crashing down.  Oh, fuck! I let someone in.  He held my hand when we watched movies. I fell asleep laying next to him (even with my huge snoring problem) and I felt amazing.  Things were good. We had a pretty regular communication.  Then we didn't.  A whole weekend of not knowing what he was doing. Oh! And I would like to think I wasn't that girl. That crazy psycho that overanalyzes every word. But, no I went there.  And cue in FB (another reason for my break from the ever ready social media) and I found out things were being left out of our communications and it made me so upset.  We went for drinks after and thats when I got broken up with. WHAT?!? I had let someone in enough to break up with me.  And I raged. I was mean and ugly and not pretty at all.  Then I realized that having someone see that side of me was kind of amazing.  I mostly missed having that.  I missed having my hand held watching movies or getting random texts when he was thinking about me.  And I knew that I had been missing something big my entire life.  And now I think I will be open to it. To being involved. With someone that respects my dreams, but will let me fall asleep across their chest listening to their heartbeat and put their ear plugs in because I can shake a roof off of a house...

Off the Grid

I deleted my Facebook account a little over 24 hours ago. I recently lost my cousin and was having a rough time with staying positive anyways.  I made it a goal two years ago to only post positive or funny stories because I think too quickly Facebook becomes a dumping ground and get so negative.  Then cue in getting dumped and my inability to filter things when I am hyper emotional.  I knew it would be bad and that I would say things on there that would not only add to the "crazy girl" persona I had taken on the last few weeks but would be mean and hurtful.  So I disabled my account.

I didn't realize how much I looked at Facebook.  In the last 24 hours, I have pressed the FB button on my phone no less than 20 times.  I thought about creating another one so I could FB stalk a certain someone and told myself to get a grip.  I am hoping this much needed break from social media will help me get back to interacting on a more personal level.  Either that or I will become a hermit.

I've come to need an audience for my life.  I guess I can hang a white board around my neck and then write witty sayings on it.  Hopefully random strangers will give me thumbs up so I can ease my "like" withdrawals.  I will keep you posted on how it goes...