I am a pretty avid hookah smoker. I come from a long, long line of smokers and it has always been pretty gross to me until my friends finally got me to try smoking a hookah. It was fruity and minty and nothing like cigarettes. And I love it. It also has little to do with my blog tonight, but I thought I should start out with mentioning that since my story starts with me smoking a hookah tonight....
I am very animated and I talk with my hands. I was smoking and talking to my Uncle and Aunt on the patio and I knocked the hookah over. The coal went into my lap. I grabbed it an threw it. I managed to burn not only my hand, but a large majority of my Mum's expensive patio furniture. My first reaction was, "Oh, No! I just fucked up my Co-Ed Softball season!". I wasn't feeling bad because I had once again burned my Mom's shit (I had a hookah tragedy with my Mom's rug and her extremely awesome wood floors previous), it was about me. And I realized I am a little more self absorbed than I would like to admit. This coupled with some recent events and a couple of drunken melt downs this week made me think about my issues.
I went to lunch two weeks ago with my best friend from high school. We sat down and a young guy walks immediately to our table. I said hello and asked him if I knew him and his response was, "No, but I would like your number." I stammered and looked around and kept asking him if it was my number he wanted. It was very ridiculous. I finally agreed to give him my number and then glanced over to another table of my friends who were laughing and knew they were teasing me. It was funny and we all had a good laugh. Then recently my best friend has found and formed an awesome relationship with a really amazing person and it sent me into a bit of a crazed funk of "Why not me???".
I am super giving. To a fault we can say. It makes me happy to see my friends happy. It is so easy for me to give everything. But I suck at letting people take care of me, too. Even something as simple as a compliment is hard for me to receive. I am a really great friend. That's what it comes down to. If anyone tries to get closer to me than a friend, I shut down. I build walls bigger than Berlin. What the hell is my problem??? I would like to say it was because I didn't go to Prom. That's the root of all girls' issues right? Um. No. I got asked to Prom by a really amazing guy and I told him that he should ask my friend because she really wanted to go and I didn't really like to dance. When it comes down to it, I was super insecure and I didn't want to squeeze my ass into some fancy dress and look dumb (but look out world! Thanks to my love of drag queens and some awesome advice by RuPaul I wear any fancy dress and rock out fake eye lashes any chance I get these days). It all comes to down to me cutting my shit and being open to the possibilities. And realizing that thinking about myself isn't always a bad thing.
Also my mad skills at patching burn holes. Sorry, Mom.
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