Like John Connor

I've been 30 for almost a month now.  And I find myself surprised (pleasantly) at how much I am loving it. It's a huge weight off of my shoulders to just let go of all the craziness and garbage I put myself through in my 20's and start fresh.  The me I'd wished I was at 19.  I thought I knew everything at that age and fuck if I'd listen to anyone who told me otherwise (sorry, Mom! I was an obnoxious ass).  So I thought I would write a letter (more of a list) of sagely advice to my 19 year old self (kind of like Terminator, but without the pressure of world annihilation or animosity towards robots.  I love robots).  Here we go:

Brandy,

It's okay to say "I don't know" if you don't know.

Love yourself, first and foremost because A) You're rad and B) if you don't love yourself how the hell is anyone else supposed to?  You will feel empty and spend time, energy, and money trying to fill a void that can only be filled by the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I love you" and mean it.

Be nice to people.  Treat them with respect and kindness.  Please and Thank You go a long, long way.

Laugh.  Hard and often and from the belly.  And don't give a shit if it annoys or disturbs anyone.  Deep down, they're just wishing they were laughing, too.

Sorry to say it, girl, but you're not going to find happiness in random hook-ups from the bar.  And no matter how progressive or empowered you try to make yourself feel about them, they really just make you feel bad about yourself.  Admit it and move on.  Not only do you deserve more, but you want more, too.

Don't say you'll "never" do something.  The universe loves to make us eat our words.

Bottom line, Bitches are Crazy!  This includes you.  Guys can push women to unspeakable lows.  Never underestimate your ability to cross lines, babble, or just plain scare away the opposite sex.  The sooner you recognize that you, too, can easily travel down "nut-job" lane, the easier it will be for you to not.

Your ability to give whole-heartedly to those you love is an amazing quality, but don't forget it's okay to receive, too.  And don't stand for being taken advantage of.

Listen to your Mom.  She's a smart lady.

Find your own way.  The beautiful thing about living in the modern world is you can make your own rules.  There are a million ways to live.  Don't do it by anyone else's guidelines or conventions.  Do what works for you.  Do what makes you happy and fuck the rest.

Love, love, love,
B-Ran

Shit.  If my 19 year old self reads this it will probably cause a break in the space-time continuum.  Damn.  Maybe I do need a robot and there is always the pressure of world annihilation.  This is all good research for my 40 year old self to pass on.  Thank God I have 10 more years to figure it all out.  In the meantime, I'm Brandy, I'm 30 and I'm trying like hell to play it cool...

Midnight Story

I'd been fascinated with the wild colors of their camp for as long as I can remember.  Bright, full of life, and in such contrast to my village.  It was hard to look away.  They came through every year and I secretly looked forward to it.  The people of my town never made eye contact.  "Wild" my mother would say, shaking her head and making the sign of the cross.

I'd tried to sneak out once as a boy to go watch them but my mother caught me and gave me a nasty beating.  She never looked at me the same after that. It was like she knew.  I think she thought the devil himself had crawled inside me.  And maybe she was right.

It was years later that my fate was sealed.  Some friends and I were leaving the tavern when we noticed the flicker of their fire in the distance.  We never spoke, we all just started walking towards their camp.  Moths to the flame.  The women were beautiful, barely clothed and they danced with seductive grace.  I was paralyzed by the movement and my heart kept time with the beat.  One by one, my friends moved closer.  I stayed where I was until I saw her.  Dark Goddess.  Her eyes sparkled a brilliant blue and I couldn't look away.  I walked slowly until I reached her.  My skin burned as she pressed against me.  Her body was a perfect combination of soft curves and hard muscle and she smelled like smoke and spice and rain.  Her gaze was piercing, like a dagger through my heart.  Two stars twinkling in the night sky.

When I heard the first scream, I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't stop dancing and caressing the woman in my arms.  The screams were like a distant dream and I must have been aware of my friends falling one by one to the ground, but I did nothing.  Then as if being slapped awake, I found myself surrounded by the other women, their faces dripping with the hot, red blood of my friends.  I looked, pleading to my blue eyed angel and I was once again paralyzed.   Pleasure and pain coursed through my body as she bit me, bringing me to my knees.  I watched as she drained my blood, her eyes turned dark and I knew this was my last moment.

Funny how I wish now that it was.  I woke, nauseous, in a wagon moving west.  There were at least a dozen men and we were all in cages.  We were all the creatures' firsts.  Their life blood.  A bond is formed the first time they drink and they need us to survive.  She has to feed from me, less often as time passes on.  We grow no older, time stacks on time.  Only the firsts can father their children.  We see the girls from time to time.  Blue-eyed beauties.  I don't know what happens to the boys.

I escaped once, but didn't make it far.  I became so violently ill, I couldn't move after a distance.  She found me easily. She cursed at me and brought me back.  It was the only time I've ever seen a flash of emotion cross her dark face.  Pity.  Maybe I'm not the only one who's trapped...

Points On A Map

The girl sat with the map unfolded in front of her.  Her journey leading to her current point marked carefully in red.  The marks were not straight lines, but a combination of zigs crossing zags and loop de loops.  The progress she had made was great and she took small comfort in the ground she had covered.  But she still had a ways to go and her next move was uncertain.  Her sense of direction was unreliable at best and all ways held promise.  The fact that she had stopped and pulled out the map at all was interesting as it always caused her memories from the past to bubble up.  Literally.  The map was funny that way.  And as they floated and danced in front of her, all she had to do was reach out and pop one to send herself catapulting back in time.  As you can imagine that caused a slight delay in her journey.  The bubbles were so very hard to resist.  Some were bright and shiny, some dark and gloomy, some colorful, some iridescent.  And almost on cue, she raised her hand, finger extended, to a large, oddly shaped bubble and POP!

Int. Dining Room - Night

A family sits at the table eating dinner,  MOTHER, FATHER, DAUGHTER, SON. An awkward blanket of silence fills the room.  The family eats.  PPPPFFFFFFFFFFTTT!!!  Father farts.  Mother pauses, glaring at father then continues eating.  Daughter and Son stifle smiles.  They continue eating.  PPPPFFFFFFTTT!!!  Father farts again.  Mother slams down her silverware.

                                                    MOTHER
                                       Enough!!! There is Gas-X
                                       in the bathroom if you need it.

Daughter and Son exchange glances, trying not to laugh.

                                                    FATHER
                                       It doesn't bother me.  I like to fart.
                                       Why? Do you have a problem?

The children loose it and laugh as Mother stomps out of the dining room.  The sound of dishes crashing in the other room is heard.

End Bubble

The girl laughed until she cried.  She slowly folded up the map as the bubbles started to float higher and higher out of her reach.  She smiled to herself as she put the map back in her coat pocket.  She held out her arm and spun in a circle until she lost her balance and fell.  Her eyes open.  She points to the North.  Or was it the West?

Even As They Fall

I love apples.  Crisp, sweet, delicious.  Ambrosia, Golden Delicious,  Honey Crisp, Maiden's Blush.  It's no wonder Eve took a bite.  And I don't blame Snow White one bit, either.  I mean let's get real.  The Garden of Eden was probably Bo-Ring!  I like camping as much as the next girl, but naming animals and hanging out with Adam day in and day out???  All while being taunted with shiny, bright "forbidden" fruit?  She lasted a lot longer that I would  have.  And sure Snow White had to spend a little time in a coma, but the outcome was well worth it.  Can you imagine picking up after 7 dudes with short man complexes???  That hag did her a favor.  So it looks like that old saying, "An apple a day keeps a girl from ending up barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen" (or something to that effect) is true.  Any way you slice it,  apples are pretty awesome.

But Their Intentions Are Clear

A few months ago, I made the decision to cut red meat out of my life.  And I had never really got an inside peek at what vegetarians really go through.  And how in the hell do Vegans eat out at all?!?  I ordered corn chowder the other day and didn't even think twice about it.  Corn equals vegetable which equals no worries, right?  Wrong.  I forgot that everything is better with bacon!  Shit. 

And of course, my smart-girl self had to cut out red meat right before coming home for the holidays.  Have you met my family???  Can we say Car-ni-vores?  It's basically like a cow living with a trio of T-rexes.  The minute I said I no longer ate red meat, I could see my family sizing me up.  Like I was getting weak and they could take me down and devour me if need be (which, I might add, has made me pretty nervous here in Elko.  The temperature has been pretty cold at night.  If there was a freeze in, I wouldn't last the week).  My Dad cooked some Elk meat the other night and wanted me to at least "try a bite."  I said, "Sorry, Dad. I don't eat red meat."  And he said, "Elk is really lean."  You're right Dad, it is.  But it's also really red.  And let's not get started on my brother.  He has always thought he had an evolutionary advantage over me and I basically just confirmed it in his book.  He said to me, "You're not going to turn into one of those vegetarian pussies, are you?"  Oh.  Not in this crowd, cupcake, not in this crowd.

Sparkle, sparkle, little bat

I like spider plants.  They're interesting.  With tons of "little baby" plants hanging from them, just waiting for the opportunity to grow on their own.  Pretty cool.  I actually like real spiders as well.  People have a tendency to freak out when they see them.  I don't get it.  I think they're quite beautiful.  And beneficial.  They kill insects that spread disease like mosquitoes and flies.  I think they get a bad wrap from black widows.  Insect or not, we should all be wary of creatures that kill their mates.  And what would have happened to Wilbur in Charlotte's Web if it weren't for that crafty spider friend of his, Charlotte??? 


I guess the lesson here is that just because something looks scary doesn't necessarily mean that it is.  Take that old German guy on Monster Squad for example.  He was creepy as hell, but he ended up holding the key to sending all the monster's back through the black hole.  This does not apply to Carrot Top.  He looks scary as hell and I have yet to find any evidence to the contrary.  Maybe the lesson is null and void now that I think about it.  Some scary things are cool, but some, well, aren't.  Feel free to pick and choose at your discretion.

And They Don't Have To Worry About Wrinkles

Okay. I admit it. I am turning 30 in two short months.  If I had attempted to talk about this even two months ago, I would have started hyperventilating.  Why, you ask?  I had to stop and think about that one.  It isn't the mortality factor.  I'm not afraid of dying and I've been a firm believer for sometime that there are things in this world far, far worse than death.  It's really not an aging issue.  I still look like I'm 12.  I don't regret my 20's.  I had fun,  I learned a lot, but I wouldn't want to repeat them if given the option right now.  So what in the hell could be causing my freak out??? 

It can all really be explained by how I was looking at it.  I was so overwhelmed with the negatives that I didn't even bother to look at the good stuff.  What a jack ass.  Sure I'm not where I want to be exactly career wise, I don't have a family, blah, blah, blah.  Who give's a fuck?  I have the support to follow my dream, I have the most awesome, loving, supportive Mother in the world, bad ass friends and family, and a sweet apartment that I love with a roommate I can live in complete harmony with.  My life is pretty rad.  And once I said that outloud, my crisis over the big 3-0 has completely diappeared. 

So bring it on, 2011.  I'm ready.